did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize