Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
