Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
