Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
