Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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