My hand turned me down
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
