so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize