Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
