i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
