glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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