If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
