The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize