My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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