she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
