whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
They have beer where we have blood.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
