dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
