So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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