i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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