I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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