I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
