The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
