So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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