my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
