You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize