I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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