I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
