I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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