I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
