when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
