just come out here and I will go home with you...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
high people should be assigned attendants
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize