Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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