i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Sponge bath it is.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
