Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
FUCK WHALES
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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