omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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