i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
