"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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