According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
