I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
