i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
