nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
