i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
