Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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