What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
