The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
