the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
