And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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