maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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