lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
