I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
