we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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