I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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