woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
try to milk me bitch
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