glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
