I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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