Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
