I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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