there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
