he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
