I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
