Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
